New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
