My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
