I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
