She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
