Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
