The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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