I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
