masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
