My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
