tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
