You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
