I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
