I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
