Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Randomize
