I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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