Jerry, you need to find god
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
