Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
