i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
