i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
