imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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