sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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