i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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