that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
