Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
