I'm eating all of the evidence.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
