hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
