Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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