Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
