It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
