just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
