I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
