Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
