I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
