I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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