When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
