I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
