Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
