hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
