Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
