i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
