Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize