I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
