On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
