hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
no, he came in my armpit
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
