I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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