Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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