Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
this boner is exhausting
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
