I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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