Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
