I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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