hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
