I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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